I got this great little book by a man named Bradley Trevor Grieve. It is called Curses and Blessings for All Occasions. Curse number eighteen is: “May your nipples attract inordinate attention in church.” Blessing number fourteen is: May your neighbor’s rooster have a sore throat.

The author expalins that these utterances are “designed to be deployed every day, with devastating effect — you can effortlessly smite your enemies and, when warranted, massage a friend’s tender buttocks with a sweet and buttery verbal balm.” He goes on to explain that each of these has been tested on a wide variety of creatures and are practically guaranteed to do the trick.

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